I've been SUPing for about 4 years now and copped a bit of abuse from time to time for no other reason than I was riding a SUP - not for dropping in, not for being greedy and not for falling off on my umpteenth undeserved set wave.
So there I am this morning paddling out at a rather delightful reef point with an old mate visiting from Sydney on a morning that the surf websites were calling onshore, when in fact it was WNW and perfect offshore, and it was 4ft plus for the first time since pre-Xmas. He's frothing, hasn't seen waves breaking more than 100m for 10 years, and we're late for it at 645am but there are only 2 blokes out instead of 30. We even wear a set of ten 5ft waves on the head paddling out, with only one wave ridden by one of the two blokes out the back, which was a short one and only broke for about 80 yards. We reach the takeoff and one of the chaps turns around and greets me with a spray of vitriol that would make the pub silent on grand final arvo. Of course I tried to be diplomatic and extended the tried and true reciprocal greeting of f-off and inquired as to where on earth he might be from, all the usual niceties, but then after the 5th or 6th to-and-fro it got a bit boring and I got stuck - my lines were just too predictable and I was laughing too much at the stupidity of it all. I was so disappointed with my wit and command of the vernacular that I didn't even offer to brush his teeth with the paddle from a rectal perspective (too easy). Or invite him to the beach for a good hiding (too old-school).
I need help, as extreme violence is beginning to look like an option. I need some good one-liners to engage those most tolerant of souls without whom we would have resort to sharing waves and watching sunrises, in a lively and engaging repartee. Any good ones? The more Monty Python-esque the better.
cheers
tang
ps some one-liners for those SUPers who make it hard for the rest of us might be in order as well.
Just thought id let you know a set is coming , so get he F#$k out of the way so i can turn this tanker around and drop in on your mate. 
It sure was big around Wye river to Cathedral rock this morning. Too big for this wimp!
Sorry to hear about your incident.
No I have never been abused on the water by other surfers when on my SUP probably because I keep off to the side and try not get in anyone's way if it is crowded, but have recently seen a Mal-rider purposely run into a fellow SUP surfer on the same wave and cause him to fall off after being hit in the back. There was just 2 SUPs and about 12 surfers.
Looked like there was going to be fisticuffs but the Mal rider said "sorry mate" even though he appeared to do it on purpose. SUPer was bloody P...ed Off.
No wonder....
Good luck.
D'ont be worry Tang, it's happen to me few time. Once, last year the day before my 58th a young agro guy come to me and hassle me , despite i was exhaust from Suping session on my 6'9" 80 liters, i kicked his balls first and then he hit me twice back
Back home, good thing that those two gashes at chin and eye made laugh my wife and my daughter in law
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Sadly the green eyed monster, prejudice, ignorance or many other factors can lead to this crap, Remember the old Westerns where the Cattle guys used to shoot the sheep farmers??
I cant offer any wit, but. With time spent out my SUP mates and I have found a few breaks where the short board guys are the exception and we get the waves to ourselves. I can't understand it myself. Plenty of waves out there and it's not like you can take every wave anyway! Get over it! Right equipment for the right conditions!
Come join the party, it's so much fun on the SUP side of the argument.
My latent homosexual SUP hating Manly lifeguard stalker in fine form accused accused me of abusing a young girl a while back when I was actually encouraging her to catch a wave.
As a result of this vulgar deception, he was able to rally two other surfers to confront me. I paddled up the beach a bit to take the impending action away from the kid, sat down and relaxed.
When the tossers got to me, they asked whether three was enough or if they wanted me to get more of their mates? I calmly responded that yes, "four would be better!"!
None of them were keen to throw the first punch and one became convinced I am an absolute lunatic, which might not be far from the truth? Instead of being bullied in, I kept surfing around them, which added to their anxiety. Oh, it does help to know basic arnis, have a thick skin and a high tolerance for pain.
Gotta say too that karma is bound to catch up to these idiots. It is beyond disgusting that someone in a position of trust on a beach like this long blonde haired longboard "legend" Manly lifeguard will use children to initiate violence.
Ive been abused in the car park before I even have the board of the car. Ive been abused in the water for just being there. Ive been dropped in on by short boards, long boards and even other sups. And then Ive had really good time surfs in amongst a whole bunch of surfers, by simply being respectful.
The diffence is the individual person, just like people on the road. You get the continually agro, and will always be, and then the level headed and calm.
In my personal experience with these people, I find that no matter what they might say, just be nice back to them, tell them that they are a great surfer.
They soon just dont know quite what to say. Failing that, just smash'em. Kidding
It's the nature of the equipment. If I paddle out anywhere and go straight to the head of the pack or just outside the pack into prime position, I'd better have some kind of local rights or be very confident of myself. At a strange break or one where I'm not part of the local pack I'll respectfully wait my turn, and not out the back either. FWIW at some of the places I surf most of the better visiting surfers know not to paddle straight out. But SUPs kind of have to stand out the back, so resentment follows because it's felt that they are jumping the queue. It doesn't help that some SUPers are greedy. E.g. there's a guy at everyone's favourite beachbreak, shoulder length blond hair, 50s, who will spot a wave coming before any surfers and paddle rabidly 30m left or right to claim it, despite people already sitting in the right position for it. He does it repeatedly. Not doing SUP any favours.
Thanks all.
You're on the right track, Legion, but I would point out that I paddled out and sat down on the board in line with the two blokes to wait my turn ie off the takeoff and further toward shore to be third in line for a wave rather than paddle further out the back. As it was I could have paddled at least another 10 yards out and 15 yards deeper and made waves no worries, but that just would have been rude. After a minute of the bool****, the other bloke piped up and told him to back off as he'd surfed with me a few times. Having surfed a long time before getting injured and forced to sup, I've gone out of my way to mind my manners - not that any other short boarders, lids or longboarders ever cut me slack when I was bodysurfing bells, bird rock or evos for years after the injury, they all kept paddling past me regardless of whether i was on the button or not. And I didn't even see him catch a wave in the hour I had in the water.
There's a good piece by jerry Lopez in the latest stand up journal about the role of localism etc which is worth a read, too.
Anyway, rather than get overly analytical, the idea of this post was about irreverence towards complete fckwits, and Green room, you get best response yet...Other suggestions I have heard include
- Mate, sounds like you really need a root - how could anyone be that pissed off this early in the morning?
- Oh honey, don't be like that, you told me you loved me yesterday, what's wrong?
- I'd give you a turn, but it looks like you're having enough trouble on that board
Cheers
Legion is right. It's Human Nature. It's like white line fever in footy. Guys get in the surf and turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr Hyde. My pathetic advice is to surf away from the jerks as SUP's can surf almost anything. Once it gets a bit of size the idiots don't bother you because they're watching from the shore or surfing kiddies corner and hassling the groms.
My prediction 4 pages for this topic. Greenroom's advice has also worked for me before.
I have been abused so many times on my SUP. even been chased around the line up one time in France whilst two other mates on SUP's caught a heap of waves.
A great reply is:
Why is it always the KOOKS with the big mouth" !
Oh you poor sooks.....I had a knob with no idea or balancing, or surf skills come paddle over to a bank this morning and carry on like a goose. This happens a lot....yesterday a knob on a longboard dropped in on me twice....oh the problems in my life...
Sadly,the ratio of decent SUPpers to crap ones,well it is certainly not in the favour of the good guys...
So go on keep.crying, it makes for great reading
I used to cop a fair bit of stares and dirty looks and some mild abuse, it all changed after a spell of 3-4 x overhead swell, once the locals start to see you pulling into that size set wave they tend to start respecting you a bit more.
Always remember respect is earned not entitled !
Select to expand quotechrispy said..
Oh you poor sooks.....I had a knob with no idea or balancing, or surf skills come paddle over to a bank this morning and carry on like a goose. This happens a lot....yesterday a knob on a longboard dropped in on me twice....oh the problems in my life...
Sadly,the ratio of decent SUPpers to crap ones,well it is certainly not in the favour of the good guys...
So go on keep.crying, it makes for great reading
That time of the month chrispy 
Alas, I also totally lack of inspiration when abused. I can just repeat here the best line I read for those situation:
"Hey, I don't like it, my mom force me to do it"
There are dickheads everywhere. I come from a short board background and I was the only guy around my area to SUP for a long time. Surfers were always curious and supportive but there were always some dickheads and idiots in the water.
I remember last year I was catching the my first wave of the session in a spot I don't go to often and this guys (who had finished a wave 200 metres from where I taking off) just starts screaming like a madman. There was no way I could hit him, even if I tried my best (and I was riding a small board not a tanker). When I returned to the line up, the same guy tries to expel me from the water, screaming like a sissy girl. It was probably some cook who thought he was a local (the locals there know me and treat me well...). I just told him to **** off and it worked.
I also had a bizarre experience a couple months ago. I was SUPing with only about 5 surfers in the water. Waves were perfect and super glassy. One of my best sessions ever. So, as I was wanting for a set, and another beautiful set came with a couple of waves. There I only me and another surfer outside and I had priority and it was my turn (he had just paddled back after catching a wave). I started paddling for the first wave and that ****er paddled towards me trying to burn me. I eventually hit him in the head with the paddle because he paddled straight at me when my paddle was about to hit the water. He was ****ing lucky I didn't opened his head! The others surfer that were there saw it all and nobody understood the other guy attitude for paddling for my wave and against me.
But most of the time I have no problem with surfer and get along pretty well. But for 20 every 20 guys that are OK with SUP there's always one dickhead!
Next time just ask him what his boyfriend rides? Always gets a good reaction as you piss yourself laughing and get in position as the next set rolls through they haven't even noticed whilst turning blue in the face screaming at ya! Works for me!
Select to expand quotecolas said..
Alas, I also totally lack of inspiration when abused. I can just repeat here the best line I read for those situation:
"Hey, I don't like it, my mom force me to do it"
That's funny,
"I love a good laugh Maurice don't you" (madagascar)
Select to expand quoteLegion said..
If I paddle out anywhere and go straight to the head of the pack or just outside the pack into prime position, I'd better have some kind of local rights or be very confident of myself.
Are you saying if your a local, or a ripper its okay to just jump ahead of the pack straight up
Straight up SUP attacks always made me laugh why someone would want to threaten a bloke holding a big stick..
Select to expand quotestm said...chrispy said..
Oh you poor sooks.....I had a knob with no idea or balancing, or surf skills come paddle over to a bank this morning and carry on like a goose. This happens a lot....yesterday a knob on a longboard dropped in on me twice....oh the problems in my life...
Sadly,the ratio of decent SUPpers to crap ones,well it is certainly not in the favour of the good guys...
So go on keep.crying, it makes for great reading
That time of the month chrispy
Seriously though,I could whine everyday about some kook on a sup. Plus backpackers on short/long hire boards...but why? 
Plus with some of the gung ho responses on here,well it pretty much sums up what sort of attitude they get around with
Chrispy your a bit off track there...Pretty sure Tang wasn't whining about the "kooks or longboarders" but about being verbally abused by some spanner for doing nothing more then paddling out...absolute crap.
I'm thinking old skool is the way to go Tang, well at least an invite to dance anyway see if there serious.
And along the lines of the bloke being cranky so early...you could point out if he had stayed in bed and shagged his missus before going for a surf like you did he wouldn't be such a wanker
And evos is a sick wave on a esky lid yewww
I admit there are heaps of kooks on sup's but they are on short boards too.
Just a few days ago I was surfing at a popular break north of Perth, I started on my shortboard with the crowd at the main break but could see a lot of unridden waves at a break nearby that only had a couple of surfers on it, so went in and got my SUP paddled out there and sat wide just picking off the odd unridden wave.
A decent set came through but a shortboarder was closer to the peak so I didn't even think about paddling for it.
He didn't/couldn't go but turned around paddle back out and started paddling for the next one this time I started paddling a bit on the shoulder incase he missed it again, he called me off early so I stopped and turned around to paddle out for the next one......he missed that wave too (I could have taken it easily).
By this time I was a lot further out and closer to the peak so I called clearly I am going, paddled in nice and early onto a nice one only to have him drop straight in on me. (yeah that one JB I know you saw it)
If shortboarders want us to show them respect they have to show a bit back.
Yes cj, a wee bit off track....yet I really could abuse some spanner as you put it that rides a sup everyday. They really do.deserve it,but Meh,is it really worth it?
If they a deserve a mouthful Chrispy let loose, but paddling out anywhere in Australia and getting told to f off before catching a wave ain't on in my book sorry...but hey each to there own
Select to expand quoteCJ83 said..
If they a deserve a mouthful Chrispy let loose, but paddling out anywhere in Australia and getting told to f off before catching a wave ain't on in my book sorry...but hey each to there own
I will say that the day Tightlines and i went surfing together he was Very nervous (almost the right word, Maybe more anxious) about how he would be received in the line up. He did paddle out on a SB but soon changed for the SUP. Most guys were i was sitting had no issue, but one guy obviously did give him a bit of a hassle. It must get boring having to deal with that every time you paddle out. I have seen other SUP's their, but they normally couldn't even make it through the shore break and they often get laughed at. But if you can handle your craft (which Tightlines obviously can) then any good crowd would/should have no issue.
The other point was he was obviously catching other waves that, as said often going unridden by the surfers..
I agree nothing wrong with telling someone off when they do the wrong thing, but to just say piss of because of there craft is simply wrong. IMHO..
