When sitting on the sh!tt&r
*Just backin one out.
*Stranglin a darkie.
*Droppin the kids at the pool.
*Giving birth to a politician.

This one could be in the Joke thread but is not really a joke, but it does encapsulate the "Aussie Dry Humour" though. Courtesy of my friend Robert.



Subject: Heightened Security Alerts



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."


The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.


The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.


It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case, and waiting for Obama to declare that the United States is no longer a Christian nation but a Muslem nation on welfare to the Chinese.

South African government is excited about joining them to see what they can steal or take over to further support their majority non-working class. They have raised their security alert from "What's in it for my group" to "What's in it for me".


New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia and the United States will come and rescue us".


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

don't come the raw prawn

untold - predates unreal - which predates fully sick mate

ya flamin gallah

how 'yooouuus' goin?

cisco said...

pirrad said...

When sitting on the sh!tt&r
*Just backin one out.
*Stranglin a darkie.
*Droppin the kids at the pool.
*Giving birth to a politician.

*Laying a cable.

release the chocolate hostage

Snapping one off

go....plat your pooh... no not all of you... just you

I'm as happy as worm comin home from a fishin trip

"as tight as a nuns nasty"


"put some hair around it"


"if there's grass on the wicket she's ready to play cricket"

Hey Bud!!!!.......is that in ...Well, walk towards me....

Full as a butchers pup.
Usefull as a c#$t full of snow

"A few roos short in the top paddock."

Pi$$ off [}:)][}:)][}:)]

A man's not a camel