Wash your hand after chopping up chillies before you take a p!ss,
Next time, take a p1ss, wash hands, chop chilli...
WHAT???????? Chopping chillies or not, I usually wash my hands before I take a p1ss so I dont get my d1ck dirty. Are you suggesting I have a dirty d1ck
Planning a gathering? Footy? Catering for these can be a mine field for some, when it comes to the question of how much to have for each person...heres a formula that is used commercially.
Amount per person:
Meat/fish: 300gm - total Starch: 75gm Salads: 35gm Sauces: 40ml Sweets: 50gm Bread: 4 slices or 2 rolls
*Amounts may vary if lots of booze and a footy final is involved - if the girls are invited... decrease meat by 200gm, triple salads, drop sweets unless chocolate, add 'nice bio degradable bamboo plates - knifes and folks - coloured napkins - salt and pepper grinders - 'the nice platter' - flowers - 'sushi for my friends' - make sure theres more bubbles than beer in the fridge with real glasses - printout of the footy rules - be prepared to 'turn it down' cause 'we wanna chat' - something for the kids todo - kids foods ( which your mates will end up eating anyhow ) - extra toilet paper - clean the toilet............................
Dammit, GreenPat, my doctor said I couldn't smoke any more. My missus said sex was off the menu. Now you're telling me I need to give up alkymahol as well??!?
Dammit, GreenPat, my doctor said I couldn't smoke any more. My missus said sex was off the menu. Now you're telling me I need to give up alkymahol as well??!?
Life is hard sometimes...
Doctors...pffffttt, they know nothing.
My Doc just told me I cant drink anymore.
I just finished off half a carton,,,,,no problem at all. He dosent know what he's talking about.
Dammit, GreenPat, my doctor said I couldn't smoke any more. My missus said sex was off the menu. Now you're telling me I need to give up alkymahol as well??!?
Life is hard sometimes...
Doctors...pffffttt, they know nothing.
My Doc just told me I cant drink anymore.
I just finished off half a carton,,,,,no problem at all. He dosent know what he's talking about.
Hey what about the other half - 24hrs in a day, 24 beers in a carton. Coincidence? I think not.
STAY Single - shag whatcha want , no whining that you've left a skiddie on the porcelain by mistake (d'oh!!!), go fer a surf and a dive anytime , can leave the dirty dishes and jocks on the couch (d'oh!!!), have a mate round after spousal-imposed curfew hours , fall over rotten as a pork chop in israel , wolf whistle at whatever whenever , drool when you desire , no rancid ma in-law to shudder about or avoid like the genital plague .....
To avoid secret alien invasion/Total World Domination/complete global annihilation/undermining of the monetary system/insert catastrophic scenario here simply find a YouTube video explaining the threat and post a link to it on a wind forum. The perpetrators will instantly realise their secret has been blown and drop it.
Afraid your tap water has been tampered with? Can't drink bottled water because of chemicals in the plastic? Can't trust rain water because planes are secretly dispersing mind control chemicals in the sky? Drink the only fluid you know is safe for your body - drink your own urine! It didn't kill you the first time so you know its safe.
Do you find your foil hat is easily blown off and damaged when out enjoying the breeze, leaving you dangerously exposed to alien mind control? Use this trick to make a perfectly fitting hat that'll never be damaged. Simply get several rolls of foil in a high heat container, heat until molten, dip head quickly in liquid, wait until hardened. You'll now have a foil hat perfectly shaped to your head which will never blow off!
*Note: These ideas are donated to breezers on an "as is" basis. All breezers should use their own judgement in adopting these ideas. No responsibility is stated or implied should these ideas fail to work as described.
Taking your cat to the cattery - make sure the cat box is secured, otherwise spend an hour climbing onto a roof, cutting down a tree and catching him only to be savaged.
^^^ buy a dog. They do what they are told in such scenarios. Bonuses are they appreciate you rather than look at you with contempt half the time, and they sh!t outside.
I got exposed to alien mind control once - then I finally saw perfect clarity and extricated my pup-self from the ex-GF's wickedness. Paddlings' better nowadays , beer consumption slightly better for the worse ,can have the good mates round for longer , the household is a bit more cluttered but at least I know where everything is...oh and I get away with looking at the barmaid at the local (or is that I look at getting it away with the barmaid at the local?)
Helpful Hint: Karchers are excellent for WC chores but not so good for the dishes.
Helpful Hint: Buy a Goat & a half decent BBQ >>>>> the goat will prevent wasted effort in mowing of the lawn and possibly doing the garden (if you pre-plant the right herbs it will also pre-marinate the goat) once the beastie has devoured / defoliated the yard - knock it on the bonce and get ready for the feed of your dear life. The BBQ will assist in the abolition of dishwashing and therefore save your water bill from shocking you.
NB: The side benefit of the Goat is your mates' (who you invite over to help devour it) wives/GF's may bring along an absolute cracker of a single girliefriend that ye may be able to chat up. Howwwwwwwwl! ;~)
Top 5 Uses for EMU EXPORT tinnies- 1. Top up fluid for the car battery 2. Keep a couple handy for hurling at any West Coast Eagle supporters lurking or passing nearby. 3. Use it for stripping paint , wallpaper & Graffiti 4. Shake up a warmie and direct the spray at that stray mongrel who keeps laying those large sloppy grogans on ya front lawn (works better than turps on a rag!) 5. Take several out on the boat with you on your next dive and use them as Shark repellant (not even a Great White would risk cruising through that plume)
NB~ The order of the above may be varied according to circumstance.
- 24hrs in a day, 24 beers in a carton. Coincidence? I think not.
