www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/x70h9/so_long_story_short_i_had_to_poop_in_a_box_today/

This little gem from that thread nearly had me pissing myself.

"Sounds like a friend's story of mine. They were on tour somewhere in the midwest and the drummer needed to take a dump badly, but didn't tell anyone. Went to the back of the van, **** in a cardboard box and came back forward and put it on the table. Didn't tell anyone about it either. Needless to say, he didn't throw it out until the rest of the band realized the entire car smelled of ****. They beat his ass senseless."

My Grandad (Ed) told us of the story when he was a young boy walking home from school with his mate one afternoon.

He got the usual gut gurgle as he was walking along and said to his mate that he needed to take a crap badly!

His mate laughed, shoved him and yelled "not if I get there first"

So they both took off running for home, Ed's mate reached the old farm style outhouse first, went inside and locked the door.

So Ed waited outside for about 10 seconds before his mate inside started laughing at him.

Thinking that his mate was just being a wanker and keeping him from the throne, he kicked in the door to the dunny and pulled his mate by the arm off the thunderbox.

His mate came flying out of the dunny with his pants around his ankles and pissing in circles as he whirled around the backyard laughing.

When Ed looked back at the toilet, there was a 6 inch turd standing dead straight upward on the toilet seat left behind from his mate.

As he had pulled his mate off the toilet, he was just at the point of no return and dropped this 6 inch log perfectly on the seat.

You couldn't do it if you tried

Years ago I was just getting into weight training and drinking loads of protein milkshakes and all sorts of odd food combinations.
I went to the movie theater with my then girlfriend and I was overcome with bad gas, continuously for the whole movie silent but deady's leaked out.
A young woman was sitting in front of me with her boyfriend, directly downwind.
When it got bad she would lean forward and halfway glance backwards, she would mumble something to her boyfriend but there was no escape, no where else to sit in the crowded theater.
Finally, mercifully the movie ended and the lights came on, she stood up and turned around to leave and the look of disgust she gave me I will never forget as I tried to contain my laughter.

Beaglebuddy said...

Years ago I was just getting into weight training and drinking loads of protein milkshakes and all sorts of odd food combinations.
I went to the movie theater with my then girlfriend and I was overcome with bad gas, continuously for the whole movie silent but deady's leaked out.
A young woman was sitting in front of me with her boyfriend, directly downwind.
When it got bad she would lean forward and halfway glance backwards, she would mumble something to her boyfriend but there was no escape, no where else to sit in the crowded theater.
Finally, mercifully the movie ended and the lights came on, she stood up and turned around to leave and the look of disgust she gave me I will never forget as I tried to contain my laughter.

It's pretty bad when a fart is that bad that you can taste it.

Sometimes when $h!t happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a $h!t. Here are some $h!t definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost $h!t
You know you've $h!t. There's $h!t on the toilet paper, but no $h!t in the bowl.

Teflon Coated $h!t
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of $h!t on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey $h!t
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ar$e 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This $h!t leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought $h!t
You're all done wiping your ar$e and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead $h!t
This kind is the kind of $h!t that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.


Right Now $h!t
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker $h!t
This $h!t is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of sh!t usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks $h!t
This $h!t hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ar$e wet.

Wish $h!t
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no $h!t!

Snake $h!t
This $h!t is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork $h!t (Also Known as Floater $h!t)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This $h!t usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food $h!t (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your ar$ehole stops burning.

Beer Drunk $h!t
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your $h!t doesn't smell too bad, but this $h!t is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the toilet. This kind of $h!t also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of $h!t that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee $h!t
The kind of $h!t that just hangs off your ar$e before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire $h!t
The kind of $h!t where you eat really spicy food and your ar$ehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of $h!t where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of $h!t that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The $h!tty $h!tty Bang Bang
The kind of $h!t that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk $h!t
The king of $h!t that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper $h!t
The kind of $h!t that yanks out the hair of your ar$e as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant $h!t you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

Dirty Bowl $h!t
The kind of $h!t that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City $h!t
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a $h!t.

Oh $h!t, $h!t
You $h!t so much and wipe your ar$e so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH $H!T!

The Never Ending $h!t
It's the $h!t that keeps running out of your ar$e like pee, and just when you start wiping your ar$e your stomach gargles and splash, more $h!t runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt $h!t
The type of $h!t that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.