Having a 3 y/o I can say this is very true. A test for parents to be... do you really think you want them....

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.


Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.


Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.


Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.


Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.


Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.


Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.


Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

too late....... 1st one due any day now

or do i still have time to get a refund

Excellent stuff. The worst thing I found is driving the people mover 4WD one day without anyone else on board - the wiggles cd was on when I started up and I was singing along to a couple of the songs stopped at the lights with windows down. Was only when I noticed others at the lights looking at me before I realised I was the only one in the car - how embarassing - straight to the "Faith No More" cd and the "mid life crisis" track

phew, past the first seven years and twelve years

preparing for the next 10 years with teenagers

I think the primary and teenage years are:

Buy them an Xbox 360 live at 10 years of age
re-introduce yourself to them at 18 years of age

That's GOLD Mark!!!!!!!!!!!!
Absolutely spot on. To add one thing, enjoy walking your suburbs streets at 5am with half opened eyes and get strange looks from joggers and walkers as "stuff" continously gets flung from pram.
Sorry, one more.
That straining, grunting red faced look on your childs face that you know heralds the disgusting contents of said childs nappy whilst at a family picnic in the middle of nowhere.

I'm passed all that stuff, I've got ATTITUDE to deal with now

Mark _australia said...

By the way thanks for the positive comments people but no, I did not write it. Sorry to disappoint.


One to add from a fortnight ago: I live in the country so my 3 y/o boy is a little sheltered. BigW in Perth: lovely little fella points at a Muslim lady in the full getup and yells "look at the funny lady, her dress is on her head" 200 disgusted mums stare at me.

in Malaysia a few years ago with bro's family visiting ex pat... walking through very busy shopping mall and waiting at lifts with him, his missus, and his five yr old, the door opens and a bunch of moslem ladies are set to emerge from lift when little man screams "AH NINJAS" and dashes behind his mum... bro and i collapse on floor in fits...

He he he. My kids are past all that. The funny thing is I miss it. Having kids is like being infected by an alien parasitic life form that takes total control of you. You dont want to go windsurfing any more. You want to go to Wiggles concerts with the sprogs instead. As odd as it sounds its fun and rewarding.

My oldest just moved out last Saturday. Things aren't as they were and you can't go back.

That is hilarious Mark, so so so true!!!!

Barbie, they don't grow out of it. My master 4.5 is very cluey and anything we say to him seems to stick in his head forever. One slip of the tongue (just one swear word) will be brought up in the middle of a shopping centre when you least expect it. Then everyone looks at you with disgust because your child has just said the "F" word (in the right context too).

Master 4.5 also likes to teach his little brother (18 months) how to do these things too and at 18 months he is a very quick learner. Now I have two children running around saying the "F" word in the right context in public. Very funny but very very embarrassing.

Walking through a shopping centre a couple of years ago, passing yet another ride on toy and master 3 asks, 'mum, have you got any money'. I reply 'no!'.
He say's, 'well why don't you go to the shop and buy some more' !!!

Haha, that's tops. I think this should be the cover picture for the test

We have a non-digital photo very much like squidlips. I would put it up, but its non-digital.
It is of my little brother who had got into mum's makeup. And got the some thick white cream. Lucky he stayed in the bathroom, but the cream was all over him, all over the floors and all over mum.
There are a few photos, as you can imagine , mum is super impressed (NOT) , but in one, you can see my dad laughing in the mirror as he takes photos. Very funny.
Ps, that 360 live idea is a good one. It makes winter not so bad

haha bruh you sounded like my mum a few years back...

It only gets worse from that point forward... Man just wait till they move out!
aka me = end of this year... MOVING out! haha..

Wello Pt - 4160 - anyone want 2 rent with me lol !>?

russh said...

Make the most of it while their young and portable - they'll be asking for the keys to the car to take their mates out for the night before you know it - thats when the serious anxiety will set in!

btw smart kids.... there is a spoon on the bottom right-ish side of the picture the eldest one must have used to open it! The youngest lead by example I see.... haha

I do NOT want a beanbag body!
the little twinkles in my eye better make other plans!!

can i ask? are there even any benifits of having children? and if you were to have them, what age would you suggest to start? Eckkkk.. scary thoughts

hmm... nope still dont want to have kids.

i think i will go buy a beta fish and watch that thing grow and learn. im sure that will be satifiying enough for that department.