I have a big, black and long mag lite torch next to my bed just in case a junkie in some sort of drug crazed frenzy invades my home in the middle of the night. If they do, I intend to give them a good hard smack in the forehead. What home defense options are other people using?

Baseball Bat.

Yeah, I suppose having a weapon in the bedroom is a bit paranoid, but I have had a Tee-Ball bat for a number of years - much shorter so less room to swing than a baseball bat, but still quite heavy so will still do plenty of damage

I have two pet taipans that I let loose in the bedroom when I go to sleep. My bed has mosquito netting around it so they can't bug me.

Once I got up during the night to go to the toilet, I was a bit groggy and didn't remember until I was already there. Oops! I had to spend the night in the toilet.

In the morning they are usually sunning themselves in the corner and are quite docile and easy to catch.

No crazy son-of-a-bitch is gonna hurt me at night!

my house is booby trapped so that if anyone enters at nioght while i'm asleep the whole thing gets blown sky high.

that'll fix em.

Just by chance I happened to gain access to a strand of hair from both Bruce Lee and Arnold Swchartseneggerburgersneizer (how do you spell that?)

I contacted Poor Rellie and Hardie, who both have experience in cloning (and building roundabouts). They managed to produce a Arnold Lee clone, who sits and meditates in my kitchen just waiting for intruders.

I feel quite safe



only problem is Arnold Lee tends to leak a lot of breast milk, has a tendency to want to take over the world and dreams of creating a new brand of kite (strangely enough branded BREAST Kites) ..... its a bit inconvenient but I put up with it

Xena and her mate Gabrielle guard me please me and satisfy me most nights.
Don't tell the wife though

Walk quietly but carry a big *ick I always say (er.. loudly)

Stats show whatever weapon you have in the home will most likely be used on you.

So think twice about packin heat and if you have a baseball bat under the bed, better keep an economy sized jar of lube handy so the cops (when they turn up after visiting the Puffin Dohnuts shop) can help remove it from ya sphinny!!

getfunky said...

Walk quietly but carry a big *ick I always say (er.. loudly)

Stats show whatever weapon you have in the home will most likely be used on you.

"Walk quietly..." is an old African proverb I believe, don't know what region it's from though.

Speaking of which, and whatever weapon you have being used against you, I woke up in Johannesburg one night to the screams of the next door neighbour who had been broken into and had woken up with the burgular reaching for her face. As soon as I woke up I thought 's**t, burglaries in Joeys are generally accompanied by murders, if I go out and try and stop these chaps they'll probably shoot me too'. With some trepidation I put on some boardshorts, turned on the lights and raced out onto the balcony, not without a little bit of fear. The neighbour had by this time made it to her window and called across to me that the intruder had scampered out and over her balcony just seconds before I had gotten out to ours.

So she woke up in fear, and it was fear that made the intruder run. I also brought a bit of fear with me when I came out, just in case there was any more required.

That was the first time I witnessed a full scale armed response there too, it was interesting to see how fast so many guns arrived, including one cop with an R5 assault rifle. They didn't catch them though.

sarahcanada said...

me

Can't believe you guys left this one alone...

Mark _australia said...

sarahcanada said...

me

Can't believe you guys left this one alone...

We need photos for proof

poor relative said...

Xena and her mate Gabrielle guard me please me and satisfy me most nights.
Don't tell the wife though

I didn't want to say anything... I just wanted to see the picture again.

Mind you, a M?nage ? Troi with these two would probably see you as the "meat in the sandwich", and possibly sitting a little gingerly the next day. (I think Xena might be a strapodictomi.)

poor relative said...

Xena and her mate Gabrielle guard me please me and satisfy me most nights.
Don't tell the wife though

....and me

Not that there is anything wrong with that!!!

poor relative said...

Xena and her mate Gabrielle guard me please me and satisfy me most nights.
Don't tell the wife though

Xena Warrior Princess was a fantastic show and I think Lucy Lawless even came to Sydney one year as a special guest at the Mardi Gras.
We have a junkie living on the grounds of our apartment block at the moment. He has dragged a mattress into the garden and made himself at home. I don't know how violent he is but he looks very nasty and smelly. Hopefully he will move on soon.

Leech said...

poor relative said...

Xena and her mate Gabrielle guard me please me and satisfy me most nights.
Don't tell the wife though

Such an ugly pair of knees

Dunno why you guys are gettin so excited about a coupla fellas in drag...

Geez as soon as winter hits and there is no bikini oggle/goggle action at the beach the standards hit rock-bottom!

Personally although I used to, I don't have any weapon (that is allowed to be shown in public) in the bedroom. Instead I have a panic button hooked up to the house alarm, so any drama and it's take 135dB freaky junkie smegma!!! No0one is gonna hang around to bust ya chops with earpiercing "Spider senses are telling me to fk orf right NOW!!" alarm tones goin...